Tell me it's okay.
Now, to preface this, because I know I need to...
I do not need to be told, "Don't give up." That's not the purpose of this blog. Telling me not to give up insinuates that I am failing if I do and I do not need anymore feelings of being a failure than I already have. I am not asking for breastfeeding advice. I know how to breastfeed.
If anything, I need people to tell me it's okay.
So, here's the story:
Y has had breastfeeding difficulties since the first feeding. I persisted and tried time and time again to get him to latch properly. I had help in the hospital from at least four different lactation consultants. For whatever reason (I think it's his teeny tiny mouth), he simply wouldn't latch on and eat. Instead, he would scream bloody murder.
Still, I persisted. I listened to him scream, I kept offering the breast, convinced that he would get it. We left the hospital and arrived home, and it got even worse. Every single feeding was a screaming fight. So, I began giving him bottles of expressed breast milk. He was happy as a clam!
Several days later, I purchased a smaller nipple shield to see if that would help with breastfeeding. It worked! He latched on and stayed there for one (and only one) entire let down.
Then he freaked out.
Milk wasn't coming fast enough for him, especially since he had been getting used to bottles and receiving his milk immediately. I persisted, I tried every stinking trick in the book. I called a lactation consultant and asked for her advice. She told me I was doing everything right. She told me she couldn't think of anything else I could try, other than that smaller shield. She was as stumped as I was.
I put up with the screaming for over a week. I cried every single day, after nearly every feeding. Each time I "gave up" and offered him a bottle, I felt more and more like a failure as a mother.
Why can't I breastfeed my baby? His twin brother nurses like a champ, his older brother and sister didn't have problems... what am I doing wrong? I felt (and still occasionally feel) worthless, like a complete failure.
Finally, I decided to give him expressed breast milk and only attempt nursing at night, when I can focus my attention on him. Last night, he latched for one breast, but freaked out for another. At least it was something, but I'm still not holding out hope.
I have been pumping like crazy to provide milk for him. It's all well and good right now, while I have help with the older kiddos, but I know I won't be able to keep it up forever. I simply can't devote the time that it takes to exclusively pump without completely neglecting Bug and Bean. That isn't fair to them. So, I'm taking it day by day, and will keep pumping as long as it works. Then, I suppose I'll have to give in to formula.
Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not against moms formula feeding their kids. I was formula fed, for Heaven's sake. I'm simply a cheap skate and hate having to buy something that I can provide for free.
My other cause for grief with this entire situation is the fact that Z is so happy nursing. I know they are two different kids, and I want to treat them as individuals. I have fretted over "Do I stop nursing Z so that it's fair for both of them?" "Will I bond more with Z simply because I'm nursing him?" and so on and so forth. I know this isn't going to scar them for life, but I want to be a good mom to my boys, I want to make sure they're both feeling so loved because they absolutely are.
I am fully aware that much of what I'm feeling is a result of PPD. I am on antidepressants already and will talk to my doctor about increasing my dosage, because I don't think it's working as well as it could. This pregnancy has left me with a whole buncha gobblety gook hormones, and these nursing issues are only heightening the emotions I feel.
So, tell me it's okay that my little man gets a bottle and his brother is breastfed. Tell me it's okay if eventually I have to give him formula. Tell me I am no less of a mom. I know these things to be true, and Turk, my family, and friends keep telling me it's okay, but boy, would it help to hear it some more.
Photo Credit: Dripping Milk 5 by amdavis
Source: sxc.hu
Posted by Lindsay Maddox at 9/15/2009 9:14 PM 
Categories: postpartum,me time,twins,mental health,breastfeeding
Tags: pumping milk for twins bottle or breast for twins breastfeeding difficulties with twins
Categories: postpartum,me time,twins,mental health,breastfeeding
Tags: pumping milk for twins bottle or breast for twins breastfeeding difficulties with twins
Of course it is o.k.It is not failure because one will nurse and one will not. What they need most is love and a stable home and you provide that in spades.The nutrition comes however it works out.You can bond just fine nursing from a bottle.You are holding and loving your children both ways.
I know the kind of mom you are.I have seen you on video with your kids and been blessed to be allowed to share in your family happenings even if it is far away . I have watched those boys grow in you and every step of the way was you bonding with your boys and full of love. I don't even have a doubt that you will bond fully with each son no matter how they get their nutrition. If one is bottle fed and one breast fed that's o.k. You are still holding them and loving them and feeding them. You are MOMMY.
S was not breast fed. I didn't have that option, but she is strong and healthy and loved and I bonded with her just fine.
Take a breath Mom, you are a fabulous mom.If I can see that from this far away they will know that with you right there They will be fine and it is o.k.
Some birth moms are never able to breast feed at all or even produce milk or enough to feed them. They still bond with their children.
They will be fine whichever way you choose and primarily because they have two wonderful parents who understand love and family and the miracles all of those things are.They are loved. They will blossom no matter if it is by the breast, breast milk in a bottle or formula. You are doing great!
Reply to this
I struggle for over a month to get my son to nurse! The lactation consultant stopped charging me because I was so determined.
I did end up pumping and feeding him several times, which was exhausting. I can't even imagine doing it with 2 babies and 2 older kids Lindsay. You are superwoman for managing that!
My problem was he was getting too much milk at once. So I needed to nurse on the same side a few times and then switch. I also had to use the football hold- I could never nurse him from the front in any position.
You are a wonderful mother. Giving your baby a bottle does not make you a failure. I don't think it will matter at all if you nurse one and not the other. You have to hold Y when you feed him a bottle anyway- to me that was the big bonding moment.
You can do this- you can do anything Lindsay.
Reply to this
Okay...in all playfulness. Your first problem? You named him Wyatt. Ha! From the first day of his life, my Wyatt had his own ideas. He hated nursing. I went to one consultant after another b/c I had it in my mind that I wanted to breastfeed. He just freakin' refused to go along with my plan. Four years later, he's the same damn way. Once I just gave in and decided on formula, I can't even tell you how much happier everyone was. Whether you breastfeed one or both, they're still going to have their own quirky little personalities. I applaud you if you continue to try and make it work. He will eventually get it. If not, I will still applaud you for listening to your gut and doing what you feel is best for everyone involved. When you are a mama to 4 under 4 (for the next week anyway), your psychological health must be nurtured. If Z requires one thing, do it. If W requires another, do it. If he complains when he's twenty, tell him it's his own damn fault. Ha! You're doing a great job, Lindsay. Hang in there.
Reply to this
Think about it in different terms. Every parent wants that perfect first school photo or the smiling pose with Santa Claus. We have this perfect image in our head of how it is going to go. Then the photo is developed and your child is making some God awful face or is crying or has muck all over and that perfect photo didn't happen. However, a photo did happen, a piece of who they are, a bit of a real life from a real child and guess what you love it anyhow.It doesn't always work the way we planned but it works out fine. :-)
Reply to this
It's ok. If nothing else, it shows that Y & Z are different personalities already! I never breastfed, could never get the knack of it and nor could my kids, and I greatly admire you for carrying on despite the screaming. I'd have long since reached for the formula and given the breasts back to daddy *chuckle*
You know, in your heart of hearts, behind all the PPD, that you are doing the very best you can, and what child could ever ask for more from their mother? Well, aside from every toy on the shelf and a constant flow of all that money that grows on the tree in the garden!
You are not failing, simply trying your best and it's no-one's fault that nature sometimes screws up the best laid plans. Ok, maybe Y is never gonna get the knack of breast feeding, but that does not mean you can't bond with him just as closely as Z. Snuggling him close whilst you feed him and treating him just as if he were breast feeding will be fine. It's in your head that this is in some way worrying, not his. He just wants mummy close and that you can do without all the screaming and stress for you both. Be kind to yourself, Lindsay, and don't make your life any more complicated than it has to be.
You're doing it right, it's ok and deep inside you know that, but I can understand the need to reach out for a little reassurance. You have it, along with heaps of love. Keep doin' what ya doin', cos ya doin' good.
Reply to this
It IS okay, Linds. Not only is it okay, I think (from what I've read about your situation) it would be the best choice. It will be less stress for both of you, and to a lesser degree, the rest of your family. I think that would be worth the cost of formula :)
Reply to this
Not only is it ok, but I know exactly how you are feeling because I experienced the same exact thing.
I have 4 kids. Christian was difficult to nurse but caught on. Hollie got it right away, Katie nursed for 23 months, and then I had Noodle.
I remember people visiting me in the hospital and he would scream and scream. I remembr my brother telling me that he was hungry and I should feed him, I remember thinking I just fed him, he can't be hungry. What am I doing wrong?
So we went home and it got worse. It was awful, He would nurse a few minutes and stop, thn scream then do it all again and again.
Well me being the big shot breastfeeder who successfully did it for about 5 years total between all kids thought he had to be full and it was something else.
I had no bottles, why would I need a bottle, he can nurse, he knew how, we just had to gt him traind.
So, then he got jaundice as a result of him not getting the right kind of milk and we wound up in th hospital for 3 days. It was th most emotional time parenting I have ever had.
Hearing my babies Dr. put on his admitting papers "FAILURE TO THRIVE" was an awful feeling. " WHat was I doing wrong as a motheer? WHy was my baby not thriving, what was wrong with him?"o
I remember I had to give him his first drink of formula in th hospital and it was the worse feeling but at the same time a relief. He was really eating, and not screaming.
I would try to nurse him for like 1/2 hour and it wasn't working, he would scream and get pissed off. My LC just hugged me and told m that it isn't me at all, it was him. He wanted his food now and didn't want to wait around, so he screamed because that is all he could do.
SO every feeding I would sit down try to get the boob going with the hospital pump, and then put him on, it istill didn't work.
I felt like such a failure. I called Grandma for comfort and sh told me I had to do what I had to do to feed my baby.
I also had everyone around me telling me "you were formula fedc and you are ok". But I wanted to breastfeed. I didn't want to hear it is ok to quit breastfeeding and it is ok to formula feed because it wasn't ok for me.
But after leaving the hospital for the 2nd time I realized if I want to relax and enjoy Noodle and enjoy the other children, then I had to give him formula. I had to feed the kid and if it meant his nutrition came from a can thn that is what I had to do.
I had guilt th whole first year of his life. I am not on antidepressants, but thre were many a times I wish I would of not beat myself up for it.
In the end it was ok and I was ok that he had formula, he got what he needed. He nursed and still does, but had it not been for the help of formula the first month of his life, all I would hear is him screaming.
So yes, you will be ok. and I know how you feel to an extent. But it will be ok and just remember he is getting what he needs wether from tap or a can to stay healthy.
Reply to this
It is totally okay, Lindsay, to breastfeed your happy eater and bottle feed Y, especially if he has taken to bottle feeding so well! You are a beautiful, nurturing, fantastic mother with kids who glow with the love they get from you. Nothing in what you have done or must do is even on the same planet as failure. You and your gorgeous baby boys will be blessed =)
Reply to this
After struggling through breastfeeding last year I learned that we make ourselves feel very guilty when breastfeeding doesn't work out like it should. There are so many publications and opinions out there that make you feel like you're doing your child harm by bottle feeding. YOU'RE NOT! Y has made it very clear that he's not interested, don't stress yourself out trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. My dad wasn't breastfed, he wasn't even formula fed. His mom gave him straight up cow's milk and he grew up to be a wonderful guy.
Oh, and you don't have to be a slave to the pump, either! You will wear yourself out with the constant pumping.
You are a strong, beautiful momma. You are going to be just as crazy about Y whether you breastfeed him or bottle feed him. He's your little fighter, right?
Take a nice deep breath and hum a little Bob Marley to yourself--"Everything's gonna be all right". xoxo
Reply to this
Lins, you are awesome, and of COURSE IT IS OK!!!!!!!!!!
I don't look at it as "giving up". I look at it as moving on...letting go of your desires to meet the wants and needs of your child. He may not want what you have to offer, and that's ok! He's a unique kiddo already, showing you he has his own path he wants to take!
The most important thing is that mommy and baby are happy and not stressed. Wyatt doesn't like the breast and THAT IS OK!!!! Give him breast milk as long as you can and then move on to formula. So long as he's happy and healthy, that's all that matters.
He can probably sense a little bit of stress from you. If he's happy with a bottle, then go for it!!
You have to do what you can to feed him and enjoy him. You don't want to miss out on time you could be enjoying him even more, because you're stressed! As long as he is fed and happy, then that is success!
Love ya girl!!!
Reply to this
Yes, Lindsay, it's okay to breastfeed Z and formula feed Y. Just from reading your blog, and FB posts, I know that you have weighed this decision very well, and YOU are doing what is BEST for EACH of your boys.
Reply to this
Wow. Thank you SO MUCH you guys. I know in my heart of hearts that it's okay, but I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear it from you all.
Catrina- I had to LOL @ the Wyatt comment. It's so true!
Reply to this
Lindsay, you are a fantastic mother and yes, it is OKAY to bottle-feed your son! Even though his brother is nursing. Even though his siblings nursed. I admire your dedication to nursing and all of the things you have tried to make it work! You are a smart, wonderful mother to realize that giving him a bottle is what is best for him. Who knows, maybe he'll develop a special bond with his daddy who will have a chance to feed his infant son in a way that he isn't/wasn't able to feed the others?
Your baby's need is to be loved and held and fed - and he truly won't know the difference!
Reply to this
Breastfeeding was very challenging to me in the starting, but later i was used to it.It went well with my first baby.I had problem producing enough milk for my second baby.I consulted some doctors too.But that didn't help so i started formula feeding to my baby.
Reply to this