The Coffee Perspective

I never thought I’d say this, but I just had my first coaching session with a life coach. Not that I think I’m above coaching, counseling, or all that. In fact, I’m all for it. I love to delve deep into life and figure out the intricacies about why I do the things I do and how I can change what I don’t like.

I just never thought I’d have an opportunity to spoil myself by having a life coach.

And spoiled, I was.

It was indulgent. Like being fed mounds of the most luxurious chocolate without consuming any calories.

I’d love to share with you what we talked about in the session. Admittedly, I’m a little nervous putting myself out here like this, but, oddly enough, that’s exactly what we talked about in our session.

So, allow me to first put on my coffee perspective.

{{Ommmmmmmm}} <— That’s me meditating.

Coffee makes me feel comfortable and warm. It makes me happy.

I am comfortable and warm. I am happy.

Okay, here I go, being vulnerable for you because I think it might benefit some of you to see not only what coaching is like, but to hear that you’re not the only one who has things they’d like to work on.

And, since I like this whole “coffee perspective” concept, I’ll turn the coaching session into coffee steps too.

Grinding the Beans

It started off with lots of get-to-know-you questions. Becky asked me to give a brief bio of myself and I listed the facts: married, 4 kids under 5, graduated from college early because I did my first year of college in high school, have a BA in Marketing, was a pretty shy kid growing up.

She asked what my impression of coaching was. I told her I thought of it as sort of like counseling, but with more emphasis on achieving goals. She said that it’s definitely about the right now and looking forward to what’s next, creating goals, and partnering together to help me achieve those goals.

Then, we dove a little deeper.

Finding the Perfect Measurement

Becky asked what I wanted from coaching. I told her I wanted clarity, encouragement, and honestly, I merely crave adult conversation.

She chuckled. She’s a mama too, she gets it.

She asked what I was thankful for. I told her I like that I know how to create boundaries in life and with others (although that has definitely been something I’ve had to learn). I also appreciate that I’m pretty adaptable to different situations.

She asked what my weaknesses were. I told her over-analyzing and feeling insecure.

My favorite question was “Where are you at spiritually?” I told her I grew up in the church, did all of the normal church-y stuff kids are supposed to do, but later found myself surrounded by “Sunday Christians” and people I saw as hypocrites; nice and welcoming on Sunday, not nice the rest of the week. It shook my religious beliefs pretty hard. Still, I believed in God and I prayed every day, but I wasn’t so sure this religion thing was for me. I explained that Clint and I tried to find a church that felt authentic and real, but we didn’t find one for quite some time which only caused us to be even less motivated to get back into it. I explained that now that we have finally found a church that feels good, it has done wonders for all of us spiritually. I’m still very leery of religious-types and keep myself guarded from those that I feel are fake, but it feels very good to have found a place in church again.

That was all a half-an-hour.

Brewing the Coffee

For the next half-hour, she asked about what is bugging me, what is just at the forefront of my mind that I need to work out. I thought about it longer than I needed to. I knew what was on my mind, but I thought it was so incredibly stupid, I didn’t want to bring it up.

“Just blurt something out,” she said.

“Okay,” I resigned.

And it all came pouring (or shall I say “percolating”) out.

I told her about how I have this issue about second guessing everything I text, email, and pretty much say. How it is nerve-wracking for me to put myself out there, especially in a newer friendship or relationship, and how I possess a completely irrational fear that I’m going to be turned away from them.

Okay.

Crud, I’m really putting myself out here with this blog, I really hope you guys get something from this!

[Most of all, I hope I don't scare away the friends I have! I *twitch* swear I'm not *twitch* crazy *twitch, twitch*]

“What does this all come down to?” she asked, more to herself and to jog my own thoughts.

“I’m afraid of looking like an idiot,” I said.

Which was true, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t the issue. It didn’t feel like it was the issue.

She reiterated what I had said, trying, I assume to allow me to come to my own conclusion.

“I guess-” I began, and like my proverbial pot of coffee, the realization came bubbling to the surface, “I’m afraid of putting myself out there.”

“Vulnerability,” she said.

In one word. That was it! That was what has been nagging at me lately. It’s that vulnerability.

Now, we had an awesome jumping-off point.

It was a flood of realization, connecting past events to current issues, past emotions to current ones. As a child, I was shy. I had many missed opportunities because of this. I didn’t put myself out there and allow myself to be vulnerable, and I know there are many friendships I missed out on because of it. As an adult, I’m coming out of that shy girl shell. I am putting myself on the line, acting more bold, and trying to make friends and maintain friendships. Doing so requires a lot of vulnerability, though. A lot of putting myself out there, in hopes of getting the friendship I desire in return.

Of course, I also realize from past experiences that friendships can’t be entirely one-sided. If I’m the only one being vulnerable and putting myself out there, that’s no good; but sometimes that’s how friendships start out.

Pouring that First Cup

It was a great feeling to get that out in the open and know that what I had been worrying over wasn’t so silly after all. And really, it wasn’t about what I thought it was about. It wasn’t that I really thought people were automatically annoyed by me and didn’t want to be friends with me. It was my own insecurity, my own over-analyzing that was making me miserable.

Becky guided me through the perspectives I was experiencing when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

Nervous- When I am unsure of myself and what I say; how I feel when I am putting myself on the line.
“Yay!” giddy- When I feel like I am accepted; exhilarated.
Caring- One aspect of my vulnerability that I don’t feel nervous about. When I talk to a friend and tell them they’re on my heart, they truly are. I don’t feel nervous telling them this because I know this is something that is nothing but good to hear. I do this a lot and feel good about it. This is my calm confidence.
Shy- Again, unsure, nervous, considering not taking the leap and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

She challenged me to come up with a new perspective. Knowing what a fan of coffee I am, she called it The Coffee Perspective.

“Think of sitting and drinking coffee. How does it make you feel? What words describe coffee to you?” she asked.

“Comfortable, warm, Heaven, happy, everything is okay.”

“Alright, so this is what you can do,” she said. “You can choose to go into interactions with a nervous, giddy, caring, or shy perspective… or, you can choose your coffee perspective. Sometimes you’ll choose those other perspectives, but now, you can also choose a perspective where you’re comfortable and everything’s okay.”

Now… this wasn’t a newsflash by any means. I know that I can choose how I see things and react to them. It was oh-so-mind-easing to be told this by someone other than my own brain, who tends to be not so nice in the way she reveals facts.

[eg. "Uh, DUH, Lindsay. You know you're being dumb. Seriously, get over it, you're wasting our time." That's when I retaliate against that know-it-all brain of mine and do exactly the opposite of what she wants me to do. It's really a lose-lose situation.]

It gave me further assurance that what I’ve been consuming my brain with isn’t silly.

The best part, afterward, after we had pinpointed what was going on, a little chunk of my mind felt free and ready to be filled with much more important information and thoughts (like what to make for dinner…).

The Whipped Topping and a Sprinkle of Cocoa Powder

As if all of that weren’t enough, the end of our conversation revolved around Becky “championing” me. In other words, she told me all of the great things about me that I had revealed throughout our conversation and touched on the aspects that I revealed as my saboteurs.

Based on the answers I had given her for the various questions and the discussion that followed she listed my values as:

Cherishing deep connections with others
Authenticity
Drive (both in myself and seeking others who are driven)
Enjoying life
Seeking out other authentic people

She listed the saboteurs (or the things that I worry will bind and trap me in life) as:

Over-analyzing
Becoming the crabby old lady who owns 40 cats (Seriously! My worst nightmare.)
“Sunday Christians”- not wanting to become that person or be duped by those people either.

Post-Coffee Buzz

That was the quickest 60 minutes of my life, I believe. I’m looking forward to our next conversation tomorrow night, where she asked me to think of some amazing, peak times in my life. We’re going to discuss those, which I assume will be quite energizing.

I’m already feeling energized and motivated by our conversation. It was calming and encouraging to get something I thought was silly off my chest, to hear about how I have some pretty cool values that I stand by, and to know that I have goals to work toward and how to accomplish those goals. Right now, my goal is to go into conversations, blog posts, texts, and emails, with a comfortable, “Hey, everything’s okay, I don’t have anything to worry about” attitude. It sounds small, but for me, it’s huge.

Here’s a cool thing… I told her I was going to blog about our experience (actually, knowing that I am a blogger and how much I believe in being authentic, she encouraged it). She has an archaic website that is undergoing a re-vamp, however, since you don’t need a website to receive coaching (it’s just cool to have one and be visible), she wanted me to offer anyone who comments below an hour complementary session with her. It doesn’t matter where you live, she does all of her coaching on the phone.

So, if you’re interested, leave a comment below. Be sure to enter your email address so I have a way for her to get a hold of you.

Whew, I made it through (and props to you for making it through too)!

I’m about to post this sucka.

Put myself out there.

Be vulnerable.

I hope it was interesting for you to read and not all, “Blah, blah, blah. We get it, Lindsay, being vulnerable freaks you out and life coaching is awesome…”

Update: Apparently my mind wasn’t filled with “what to make for dinner,” seeing as how Lily had oatmeal and the rest of us also ate random “whatever’s in the cupboard” meals…

Tagged:

Megan

I think its great Lindsay!! Good for you for even having the courage to admit that there are things about yourself that you want to change. Most people cant even do that!!
http://www.momontherocks.com Leslie Murrell

Girl, I’m doing an online motivatin similar deal! Go on witcho self! I’m so excited for you. But also, as a fellow blogger, wanted to tell ya, the more you put yourself out there, the more you’ll find people will relate to you. It’s the vulnerability that you put out there and then people come out of the woodwork and say “ME TOO GIRL!”
Jessica

Free life coaching, bet you’ll get lots of comments. The only thing I knew about life coaches was the crazy hermaphrodite one on “Nip/Tuck”. Now there’s vulnerability–admitting I watched that garbage.

I think we need some more friend counseling, a la “Sex in the City”, chatting with the girls… Here’s hoping I don’t make you nervous or anxious! And so glad you put yourself out there to embrace me so quickly and easily as a friend. You aren’t as shy/nervous/crazy as you think you are!
http://blog.lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@Jessica
I tried getting into Nip/Tuck… couldn’t do it. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing that.

I agree, more friend counseling is an excellent idea. You definitely don’t make me anxious or nervous. Nobody does, really. I make myself nervous by second-guessing everything!

@Leslie Murrell
I love that, thank you!

@Megan
:*) Thank you, Megan. That is very sweet of you to say!
http://www.tanddarmstrong.blogspot.com Danielle

Ok, I have to be honest. I think that your alter ego maybe super “not shy” online because I had NO IDEA that you were shy until I started reading your blog. AND, I didn’t believe it until I saw the vlog I felt like that we would be peas in a pod even across the miles and the computer I am super not shy myself and have always wondered if it would be better if I was! I also have a phobia of becoming a “sunday christian” and I know a lot of people I grew up with who also went to church have it as well. If you don’t notice the hypocracy in the church, you aren’t looking because it is certainly there. BUT, I can’t let that determine that I will follow in those foot steps. It is about a relationship, not a religion. The more I focus on that fact alone, the more I see the need to pray for people who are caught in that hypocracy, that God would lead them to Him so that they too can have a real relationship. I am excited for you to be able to benefit from a life coach and am very proud of what a productive, pro-active person you are becoming! Not only is it a huge step for you but it is also a wonderful example for your kids. Take ahold of your life. Live every second without regrets. You can be who you want to be and accomplish what you want to accomplish. You have the power to make a difference in the world! Be encouraged to be the very best Lindsay that you can. I wish you didn’t live allllllllll the wayyyyyyyy on the other side of the country! Dude, I would LOVE to hang out with Lily for even 24 hours! I think it is kind of funny and so I will share my first thought when I read this…not to flatter, just to encourage you! “Dude, I wonder why Lindsay would worry about everyone not liking her, she is like, awesome! She is a riot! Everyone likes to post on the stuff that she writes…hmmm…shy?! REALLY?!!! Wow.”
http://blog.lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@Danielle
I’m totally blushing, Danielle. Ask Clint, he’s sitting right here ‘cuz I just made him listen to this whole blog.

That was a fantastic comment, I was nodding all the way through the church part especially. Thank you so much!
Billie

Wow, Lindsay sounds like you had an awesome coaching session! I used to do this through my church and you totally made me realize how much I miss that! Thanks for the eye opener!
Btw, you’re pretty much awesome…shy and all .
http://melindatoad.com Mel

You go girl! I too would never have known you were shy! I understand it though! I am shy until I’m comfortable but I am pretty guarded and unfortunately, some of my Christian friends have fed that need to be more guarded lately. I get the Sunday Christians. I think we can become complacent in our walk – at least I CAN and DO! I want to see folks be transparent at church. It bothers me to no end that we go to church and put on our perfect spiritual suits and pretend we are “ok” and “fine” and our families are perfect. It makes me want to scream! “Am I the only crazy one here?” Ok, maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that one

I love that you are vulnerable. I love that you feel real when I read your blog. People want to see what is going on in everyone’s lives, if not for curiousity, than to feel like they too are normal and that others go through the same struggles they do. There is comradre in honesty.

The life coach (shoot I wrote couch first) sounds cool! I think life is all about working on ourselves, figuring out who we are so we can help others. Ok, going to bed before I write you a novel…….
http://lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@Billie
Awww, thanks, Billie! I think I’m going to miss it when we’re through. It’s definitely an eye-opener.

@Mel
I love that comment, thank you, Mel! Makes me feel like an uber-loser for still not making it to your 25 things blog to leave the comment I intended to, tho. I think I’ll scoot over there now, actually…
Elizabeth Wingenbach

I think youre very brave. I wish I had more friends like you.
crystal

That is great. I hope it all works out for you. I was laughing @ the sunday Christian thing. I see a lot of that and we also had to go around to different churches because of it. You are a good person. Good luck with the next sessions.
http://www.domesticdisaster.com Heather

I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. From what i know about you, you’re way more outgoing than you you think. You win, like, every writing contest you enter. You stuck your head out at the last minute to try and get into the Erma conference and YOU DID. You traveled across the country last year (or the year before?) for the MOPS convention. You find time for your kids, your husband, your family, your writing AND life coaching. You’re amazing, don’t sell yourself short.
http://lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@Elizabeth Wingenbach

@crystal
Thanks, ladies!

@Heather
*Blush* What a wonderful thing to say, and WOW for remembering that I went to the MOPS convention, I’m impressed! I am definitely outgoing now, it’s just that I’m outgoing in the moment and then beat myself up afterward about what I did or didn’t say. A conundrum, I tell ya. Thanks so much for the comment, Heather!!
http://www.darroch-meekis.webnode.com LaurieM

Personally I think you are pretty awesome and blessed, Linds. You have a wonderful marriage and four gorgeous, full of life, healthy children, a good relationship with your mom and a supportive, loving husband. I see a driven, motivated and talented lady who has human qualities which is a normal and good thing. You love your family and you care about your friends. Those are qualities I like in people.

Linds, you are making a positive mark in the world. You are talented. Just be you, that’s all you need to do. Yours is one of my very favourite blogs, primarily because it is very human, has humour and because it is you. You are in your twenties. Look at what you have achieved already with family and writing. Just think what amazing things can still come. The only one who will stop the Lindsay train would be you. It is already rolling.
http://beckydenhamcoaching.com/a-taste-of-coaching A taste of coaching… | Becky Denham Coaching >> Trained Life Coach and Personal Coach

[...] through reading about it on a client’s blog. You can read her initial experience here: http://blog.lindsaymaddox.com/2010/05/the-coffee-perspective/ Thank you for sharing [...]
http://lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@LaurieM
Thank you very much, Laurie. :*)
shelley

That sounds awesome! I’ll have to look into a life coach I totally know what you are going through with the shyness. I was painfully shy as a child, my parents called me a home body and book worm all the time not that it’s a bad thing, I think mine had to do with having glasses/ being legally blind, facial deformities and being far taller than my peers. I like you feel like I missed out on so many opportunities in life because of it. My husband is extremely shy as well to the point where people often think he’s rude or slow ( seriously people have told me) I also have been told I come off as stuck up because of it. Oddly enough, so far the kids seem very extroverted and sometimes people act like it’s annoying that they’re so friendly ( H already yells “Hi” to everyone we meet and if they don’t say it back she keeps saying it but I think it’s great because I know I was always overlooked as a child so I’m hoping they won’t be, that has to be the worst feeling. I was put in a smaller class in junior high because I wanted to learn a second language so we had to do a lot of oral presentaions in front of the class I think that helped me a lot, that and contacts and surgery didn’t hurt either I think it’s always there though, sometimes I find myself making myslef do something to get out there more, right now I’m having a really hard time with Mr. Social D and his birthday parties every week, we’ve been skipping out on them because I don’t know the other moms but you kind of make me feel like I should go now, I mean I guess I’ll never know anyone if I don’t go right?

I gotta say I’m shocked your degree is in marketing I figured journalism for sure!;) Do you feel like 2 different people sometimes? I do, people I’m around all the time don’t believe I’m shy at all because I never shut up around them and others never hear me talk. Sorry to hijack and make this about me but I really connected with this entry
http://lindsaymaddox.com Lindsay Maddox

@shelley
Shelley, your comment is exactly why I wanted to post this blog. Thank you for sharing with me. It’s good to read, not only as a formerly shy person, but as someone who has met quiet people and assumed that they were standoffish instead of shy.

LOL @ being shocked about my degree. Funny enough, there’s a lot of writing in marketing. Plus, I have used my marketing knowledge to creatively promote myself and others, so there’s a lot of places that journalism, English, and marketing all coincide!

I don’t feel like two people, except that I am a very different person than the girl I was growing up. In that way, I am two different people. Otherwise, I try to be the same person online that I am in real life, and treat people as such.

Don’t apologize for the hijack, silly! I love it!

And yes, you should go to birthday parties. Do it. That’s an order. Don’t make me put you in time out. I’ll do it!
http://blog.lindsaymaddox.com/2010/06/what-would-it-be/ What Would “It” Be? | Silly Mom Thoughts

[...] post last week about my first experience talking to a life coach was incredibly long. It didn’t have any pictures to break it up and [...]
shelley

Called in my RSVP for the bithday party so you don’t have to put me in time out-lol!
My the 2 people comment I meant that sometimes I feel like there’s the me who is the introvert and the person who I want to be, I think by having two extroverted kids I’m not going to have much of a choice
http://creativekidsideas.com/ Jo Brielyn

Somehow I totally missed this post months ago. Sorry. {{hangs head}} I sure am glad I read it now though. Sounds like you and Becky had a great session! Thanks for sharing your experience and putting yourself out there for us.

Silly Mom Thoughts